Whether it’s due to sheer terror, being busy, or just feeling pretty good this pregnancy, I’ve mostly been in denial about having a second baby. Ok, that’s not entirely true, I cried a lot during the first trimester over ruining B’s life. Then once we found out it was a boy I got super excited for a week, and since then I’ve kind of forgotten about it.
Then something happened this past week and I suddenly feel really pregnant. It could be just the holidays and I feel fat but whatever it is it’s helping me wrap my head around things a little more and I’ve been trying to picture what it will all be like. Ever since we got home from our Christmas trip to Florida I’ve been feeling a lot more tired and achey and I swear my belly has tripled in size. It actually gets in my way now and I notice it when doing regular activities. I’m nowhere near 40 weeks level of misery yet but it’s as if all the pieces are starting to align (or the vertebrae unaligning as it were) to get me there.
My OB once told me he thinks pregnancy should only be 30 weeks, as that’s about when most women start to want to blow their brains out. I actually think it’s the greatest genius of mother nature that we have to go on another 10. No matter how scared you are or how much you don’t want to face motherhood or whatever, your overwhelming sentiment by the end is GET THIS F’ING THING OUT OF ME AT ANY COST. To put it more nicely, nature makes you really excited to meet your baby so at least I’ll have that going for me!
*A note to baby #2 here: Please please take nothing personally! I actually am beyond excited to meet you for all the right reasons, and I cry tears of joy every time I picture it, or picture you doing pretty much anything. I would have felt terrified and sure I was ruining my own life when I was pregnant with your brother, I was just too naive and stupid then.
**No really, I feel really guilty for putting this in writing even though it’s true and I’m pretty sure normal to both hate pregnancy and be afraid of another baby? (No one tell me if it’s not.) Although I did break down sobbing yesterday on the elliptical thinking about the moment my mom brings B to the hospital to meet this baby, and I snuggle with both boys and G, and finally have my complete little family I always dreamed of all together in my arms.
***Yeah I realize the baby will probably pick that moment to scream, B will want to run around the room pressing alarm buttons to call the nurses, and I’ll be soaking through my hospital gown with leaky milk, but let me dream.
****Also to state what I hope is the obvious, I am extremely super grateful to be able to get and stay pregnant and that this baby appears to be healthy so far and all that. It’s kind of like vaccines. I’m really really grateful that they exist and I wouldn’t trade getting a shot for small pox but I still don’t enjoy the prick.